shirato: (G00: I'll always pull you back)
[personal profile] shirato
Sometimes I lay in bed and I forget what it's like to just lie down and fall asleep. I mean, it pretty much always takes me a while to actually get to sleep, but there's such a difference from waiting it out to wondering if that stage is going to hit at all. This pattern seems to continue for a few days at least, or maybe longer, before I realize it's been happening. I have to dig deep into my thoughts to try to recognize it. It's hard to focus when you're paralyzed with a fear so strong that it easily consumes you. And you only feel ridiculous because there isn't any certain cause for it.

I used to be afraid of the dark. Or rather, I'm sure that I still am, but I used to not be able to walk through my own house— or my own room, for that matter— at night without shaking and almost crying even because there was this nagging feeling that something would be there. I've only ever had a decent imagination when it came to scaring myself, I guess. But it's not so bad nowadays, finally. Well, cell phone flashlights help a lot, but generally, I'm okay with finding my way even without that. I'm comfortable in my house that nothing scary is going to pop out, and I'm comfortable in my room. I used to have an excessive fear of my closet, in particular, and I could not sleep if the closet door was open. I guess it's because my closet has been unable to close for a long time now that I was forced to get over that one. But basically, what I'm getting at is that there's even more reason now that I've gotten better with things like that for why I shouldn't be so scared at night. But I am. Not always, of course, but it kind of becomes clearer to see that the problem is, as usual, within myself.

But I guess now that I'm able to think a bit more clearly, it makes enough sense. What do I do at night that keeps me from falling asleep too quickly anyway? I can't shut off my mind. And the emptier that I feel, the easier it is to fill that void with scary things and overall, for lack of better description, dark thoughts. What keeps me so scared at night and unable to fall asleep may simply be the thought that falling asleep means waking up tomorrow and having to go through another empty day. I look back on all the things I failed to accomplish that day, whether I tried or not, and I think of all the things I'll fail to accomplish the next day. Inevitably, I start to wonder why I even bother to exist.

I kind of hoped that getting my thoughts out might help me see things in a different/better perspective, but I still can't reach an answer. I do feel a bit more calm, but I still have that tight feeling in my chest and that heartbeat that refuses to slow down. I still don't know how it's possible to feel so, so very afraid of something so basic as existing. And I just can't help but feel like people are supposed to get better with issues like this over time, and yet I feel like I do nothing but get worse. I've been scared all my life, but I know there was a time when I was able to override it, somehow. And now I can't. I just want to hide forever, but thinking about it makes me feel very lonely.

I've been feeling pretty depressed lately, although I sort of feel like I've been in one long depression that sometimes I can trick myself into thinking I'm not really in. Either way, my only defense against it seems to be to try to ignore it, but it catches up to me, anyway. I don't know what it is I need or what it is I can do to try to actually help it. I do useless things just to keep my mind off of it, but at the end of the day when it comes time to fall asleep, I guess that's when it hits me that I am completely useless. I let myself be completely useless. In that respect, I've got no right complaining about it, and I'm aware of that, at least.

I can still remember times when I could genuinely laugh and have fun, and it didn't feel empty when it ended. But I can't remember how long it's been since I've felt that. That isn't to say I haven't enjoyed the fun times I've had with friends, but it's like I have to force myself to do that, too. And that's kind of weird and a little unsettling when I think about it. I'm afraid to be myself, and it gets worse each day. But that fear has been increasing for so long that I don't even know who "myself" is anymore. I don't know what I was like before I got way too uncomfortably self-conscious, and therefore I don't know how to go back. If I can't get it back, then what am I supposed to do now? I don't really know what's expected out of me, and I know the general answer is "nothing", but... I don't know. I've been having a major identity crisis for a long time, and maybe that's the biggest part of my depression right now. I don't want to say or do anything that people won't like. And because I can't read minds, that means I just keep to myself. More and more, I just let myself fade into the background. I let myself be forgotten. Because it's easier that way, but again, it's horribly lonely. I do it to myself because I've gotten so terribly afraid of social interaction— even online, where I used to feel more comfortable, but in actuality I don't really want to be alone.

I can easily admit that I'm a very weak person, but somehow I'm afraid to show it, regardless. It doesn't really make any sense. I try to be pretty open about whatever I can, but at the same time I'm holding back so much I don't even realize it. That's why I'm a bad friend. I'm the type to keep everyone at arm's length because I don't want to hurt them, and I don't want to get hurt. Everything is superficial, and it's my fault and I realize this, but I can't change it that easily. I'm too scared. When anything goes wrong in the slightest, I completely lose it and I just start crying. No one wants to deal with that, and I have a legitimate fear of breaking down over the stupidest things. Any little thing. And worst of all, I can't really explain my exaggerated emotions. I guess this whole post has been a really long-winded way of saying I'm still pretty terrible at communication. I guess in summary, I feel like I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth. I know I do have wonderful friends who would tell me otherwise, and that does mean the world to me, but it can't shake that feeling. I legitimately can't see what anyone could see in me. I wish I could, because it is really hard getting through life with zero self-esteem. Hell, it's really hard getting through a single day.

I didn't mean for this to get so long. And I'm sure it's all the same stuff over and over again and rambled all over the place, but here's hoping I can actually get some sleep now.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-11 08:39 pm (UTC)
fuzzy_squish: (nuzzle)
From: [personal profile] fuzzy_squish
Well, if telling you that you're worth it helps, then GOD DAMN IT I'M GOING TO KEEP SAYING IT!

I don't really know what else I can say, I can't imagine how hard this can be for you, and it's not like just going "Oh don't worry" isn't going to help, not without something really good behind it., there is one thing. You called yourself "a terrible friend", but I bet you a lot of us really don't think so. When you're around, no matter how often that actually is, you really help me enjoy myself a lot. Even if you have to force yourself to do it, you are very, very good at making a day brighter, and bringing some laughter to it. I just wish I could find some way that will help you feel better, and brighter, because you truly do deserve it. *loves on forever and ever*

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-12 06:21 am (UTC)
fuzzy_squish: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fuzzy_squish
If there's anyone you can ramble to, it's me. So don't apologize, I promise you I don't mind it. Actually, I kinda like getting to hear this kind of stuff from my friends.

There isn't anything you could possibly do...I couldn't imagine you ever doing anything that would make you undeserving of kind words like these. You would have to do something absolutely horrible to me, or someone close to me, and you're just not someone who ever would. To my mind, since you haven't done anything like that, you're no less deserving of my love and attention than anyone else is.

I wish for the world I knew some way, something to say, anything, that could help a little more, that could give you some inkling of what you could do to help you move forward, and get some motivation again. Something that would get you really wanting to live, and get out there, and enjoy yourself.

If nothing else, just dealing with your life, the way it's been, has earned you a break.

You're welcome, and if there's anything you think I could say, anything I could possibly do that you think might be even in the least bit helpful for you, I'd be honored to oblige.

I only hope that sounding so nice isn't going to make you feel worse, because I really don't know how to act any differently from this. ;.;

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-12 06:57 am (UTC)
fuzzy_squish: (nuzzle)
From: [personal profile] fuzzy_squish

Again, you're welcome, and I'll "bear with you" for as long as it takes.

I hope you sleep well. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-12 12:31 am (UTC)
fomoire: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fomoire
People fall into two categories when it comes to getting better. You're either the kind of person who can manage to make it through on your own, or you're the type that needs help on how to go about getting better. More often than not, people need direction when it comes to overcoming depression, anxiety, and the like. The common thing between the two types of people is that you need to be actively doing something to help yourself feel better, not just ignoring signs and feelings and hoping they go away. It helps to have a sit down and really put thought into, okay, I'm feeling x, but what am I doing to prevent it? Do I know the warning signs before I get incredibly anxious or depressed? Is there something I can do to counter it?

Of course figuring out how to counter it isn't the easiest. This is where professional help does come in handy. I can only give you examples of what I've done in therapy, and they may work or they may not! Everyone is different. One big factor in starting overall change, in my opinion, is if you're honestly ready to change. I think you know that, like, you can be gung-ho to get things started, but fall flat due to something holding you back ... Which would be the individual.

It's great writing out your thoughts to help clear your head. Journaling is actually an important part of most cognitive based therapies. The downside here that I notice (which is my opinion only, so feel free to steer me in the right direction) is that it's almost like going around in circles. You write this out, feel better for the time being, but then it's always ruminating somewhere inside of you until it's ready to pop up again and make you feel god awful. So here it's like the journaling is only temporary relief rather than a permanent fix.

And when I say permanent fix I don't mean, like ... Okay, again, these are my thoughts based on what I experience ... I don't believe you truly ever get rid of anxiety or depression. Nowadays I leave my house and live what one would call a normal life for the most part, but there are days I wake up and it's like I'm back at square one. The difference being now - and this is what I mean by permanent fix - is that I know the steps to take to bring myself back to healthy thinking. I know pretty much every sign that warns me "hey, uh, in a week or so you might have a breakdown JUST SAYING". I can take a day and go, you know what, today I feel like shit and I want to feel like shit and feel sorry for myself and have a pity party, but tomorrow is going to be better. And it's honestly tiring at times the things I need to do and the amount of thought I need to put into my thought process and how I'm feeling, bit it's worth it in the end knowing that I'm okay. Really, though, that's how life is; some people are better at things that other people need to put more effort into.

Going back to the actively doing something vs sabotaging yourself, I feel like a lot of the times you're ridiculously hard on yourself. I know I've brought it up before, but it bears repeating. I can count on my hands the number of positive things you say about yourself compared to the negative things. Okay, you are feeling useless and you're feeling like a bad friend and that everyone gets over these things, but have you ever stopped to think holy shit, how much crap am I putting up with that my mind puts me through? I'm not saying have a pity party, and I'm not saying that you're feeling all right by any stretch of the imagination. I'm saying try to look at that as at least somewhere positive to start; it is hard to make it through a single day when you are suffering like this and you should be proud of yourself. I don't care what anyone says who doesn't understand this, I'm saying this as someone who spent years in her house, and I am saying this on behalf of the people who understand depression and what it does to you. And I don't care if you might think well, yeah, I'm making it through the day, but I still feel like shit so I'm not really doing a great job at it. That doesn't matter. You need to take your victories where you can and build yourself back up.

To me, you are not a bad friend. I am not offended (in case you're thinking it) at hearing you need to force yourself to enjoy having fun with your friends. I completely understand that as someone who has gone through that and still goes through it from time to time. You're right, none of this is easy to change. You need to start somewhere, though, which goes back to the you need to be ready to change point. I don't want you to help yourself because that's what people want, I want you to help yourself for you.

" ... I feel like I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth. I know I do have wonderful friends who would tell me otherwise, and that does mean the world to me, but it can't shake that feeling."

You pretty much said my point with that, haha. In the end, nothing I'm typing here matters unless you believe it. Everyday I could type up a million paragraphs about how you mean the world to me, but it's almost like falling on deaf ears in a way. One of the hardest things the group I was in for therapy was submitted to was the idea that if you can't accept a single word of whatever the person was saying to you, even if just a little, you had to tell the person they were a liar. As cruel as it is, it's the fastest way to cut through the demeanour of someone who's apt to smile and just accept things. Not that I'm saying I want you to call me a liar, more just food for thought. I always found it interesting since I had never thought of it that way previously.

You've probably guessed by now I'm going to say feel free to talk to me whenever at this point. I mean it, husband. Even if you just send me something like "I don't feel well today" I will help you through anything. I'm not around until supper unless it's the weekend, but I will always get back to you asap. I don't know anything about texting and am super slow at it due to clumsy fingers, but I recently procured a fancy new phone capable of texts, so I mean, if it's an emergency you can reach me whenever.

That's all I can think to say, and I'm sorry as always if things don't make sense. My mind is always all over, aha. I love you ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-12 10:53 pm (UTC)
fomoire: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fomoire
You can learn to manage it on your own to a degree, and that's what's good about professional help after sorting through all the uncertain feelings about it. What they're giving you is that chance at independent living, and honestly being able to cope with things on your own as opposed to thinking you can and not having the right tools to go about it. This probably doesn't make the idea of help easier, of course. I just want to point out that, hey, it is possible in the future to rely on yourself to sort out your issues; and when you feel it's not something you can handle on your own, you can draw on whatever support system you've built up.

In order to get more into self-esteem, I need to know what is this ideal person you envision yourself being? Is it someone who can do anything and everything with ease and without complaining? Is it someone who is the life of the party who everyone loves being around? Is it someone who can fix all the problems in the world and knows all the answers? The good and shitty thing about our self-esteem is that we are in direct control of it; you are the only person who makes you feel a certain way. Think of it like a bank account! If you have a good amount of self-esteem and something awful happens, you can make a withdrawal from your self-esteem account to counter whatever happened. This person made me question my worth as a person, but I know I'm better than that. If you have zero or little self-esteem, you can't do the same thing. You're basically overdrawing and getting into negatives, thus spiralling you down more and more.

So, I guess another good thing is to tell me - if you want, I mean - is there anyone in the world who is basically that super idealistic person you strive to be. I think when it boils down to it the answer would be no. Sometimes we put people we idolize so high up on a pedestal that we forget they're human and go through the same problems everyone else has.

When you say you don't know why you can't cheer yourself on, I agree that it's burnout from everything. I also get the feeling that's it's because you've almost given up on yourself. Like, the inability to fathom that things are going to change in the future. To use a fancy-ish analogy, why bother cheering for a horse that's going to come in last place? Lately when I read these things I feel an overwhelming sense of self-defeat that's almost overpowering any will to change. It makes me sad to see. I want to nurture the will to change that's clearly in there, and then every time it's in reach it slinks back into negative depths.

As always, feel free to correct me if I'm way off on anything. I guess that's also a way of keeping people at arms length. I mean, like, uh ... it's a self-defense mechanism. Pulling away from the change, that is. It's frustrating! Please don't apologize for that, either. I get to a certain degree what it feels like. We obviously come from different backgrounds, but emotions always feel the same from person to person.

I'm sorry. I always feel like with this stuff it's almost more effective to legitimately talk it out or something like that. This also stems from me just being really bad at conveying these things through written word, so that's all on me. I tend to put too much of my own feelings into things when I try to help out and then I have no idea what I'm doing any more. Like, huh ... I don't want to ever say anything upsetting, so I'm just struggling with wording things since out of my own fears and emotions I'd probably say a lot of stupid stuff if I let myself.

Sorry again, I was going somewhere - I think - and then I got all wrapped up in being self-conscious over feelings. I think this might be why friends make the worst therapists for each other. I will always continue to try and help, regardless.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-09-13 10:14 pm (UTC)
fomoire: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fomoire
What is your schedule? I can stay up a bit tonight, and tomorrow I'm free around supper and all through the weekend. I can stay up as late as need be on those nights! I would honestly prefer speaking to you without the time lapses. It might be a bit more helpful. If you want to, that is. Either through irc or plurk or whatever you'd like.

I say "if you want to", but it's more I'd prefer to as soon as possible.

I'm sorry if what I said inadvertently caused you to feel this way. You've pulled yourself out of this state before, and you can do it again.


shirato: (Default)
Izzy McClings

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