You're right. And I've always wanted to be the one who could manage on my own. I've always felt like, sooner or later, I was always able to manage on my own. It had to be that way, since I've never felt worthy of taking someone else's time with my problems. It was slow at first, but more and more, however, I had to rely on others. I guess it was like... I needed others to acknowledge my problems for me because I couldn't really admit to myself that they existed, or that they were as bad as they can sometimes become. I'm still like that now. I'm not proud of it, but I'm sure that anything which I might actually be able to call "strength" is in actuality weakness in the form of "denial". It's strange how ready I am to admit that I have my weaknesses, but how hesitant I am to give them shape.
That's why, as you've said and I've certainly noticed, I go around in circles. When I feel completely overwhelmed by these problems, I feel like I've been backed into a corner. It's scary and makes me feel more anxious and so my only real goal is to get back to the center of the room, when really... I need to be leaving it. But that opens up infinite possibilities into the unknown, so I can't help but stay where I at least know what's going on. I don't like my present situation, but what if I actually do find a way to make it worse? It sounds pretty ridiculous typing it out like that, but I'm pretty sure those sorts of subconscious fears have been rooted within me.
And I am... ridiculously hard on myself. There's not really any other way to say it, and I've known that to be true. It's because I can think of having to do an exercise like "write five positive things about yourself!" and struggling to find a single thing that I'm able to recognize that well, that probably means I have ridiculously low self-esteem. Since I was really little, I've set impossible, inhuman standards for myself and my behavior. I guess things like that were a little easier to follow as a kid than where I'm at now. Setting more realistic goals might sound like an easy fix, at least, to get things started, but I really find it impossible to expect any less of myself. Being so far now from that ideal, however... Well, I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope with it.
It'd be nice to accept small victories like that. It's not that I'm against the concept, but it's kind of hard for me to even accept the little things as "victories". Sure, I make it through each day. It's really hard, and I guess in theory that counts as a victory. But I don't feel like I deserve to do so. Feeling like a waste of space, it actually sounds insulting that I've wasted another day of precious life. Or a life that's meant to be precious, anyway. I feel really strongly about life and continuing to live it no matter what happens, even though sometimes I do wish I could just be done with it. I feel like if it was anyone else in my shoes, I could cheer them on and honestly believe in their potential, but I don't know why I can't see or accept it for myself. Maybe it's because I've put all of my energy into trying to be a "good" person, but that alone isn't enough to get anyone through life. And furthermore, I've become so burnt out that I can hardly qualify for that anymore. I know, it's not really something that's black and white, or something that can really be defined/assigned like that, but that's all I've ever wanted to be.
That does sound like quite a harsh treatment, the "liar" part, that is. I completely understand where it's coming from, but I can't imagine having to do that. It'd be like hurting someone else when I'm the one who has the problem... So I say, but my inability to accept kind words is doing the exact thing, whether I'm saying it outright or not. I've known that, too. It's horrible, but I guess I am calling everyone liars. It's not that I believe it's intentional, though. I've always felt that I must have misrepresented myself to them. See, I've always wanted to be a good person, so all I can do is act as a good person should. But is that because I genuinely want to be good or do I just want to be seen as good? That's... been a concern of mine, too. What if I'm actually just a manipulative person who's been acting for so long, and now I just can't do it anymore?
It's certainly an awful part of my personality. I can twist any scenario negatively to justify my worthlessness. I really wonder why I'm so overwhelmingly negative. But you see, the problem isn't so much that I can do it. The problem is that it makes so much sense; it becomes hard to see things in perspective. I'm only one person, and I'm biased against myself. Even asking my friends, I feel that they're biased towards me. I've always thought that no one was hard enough on me, so I did it to myself. It made me really happy to receive compliments, but I didn't want to get carried away with them, so I kept reality checks on myself as a reminder that I didn't really have anything to be complimented on. In a way, I must have always negated every positive I've received with negatives. And maybe over time, positives just lost their effect since I would rule it out with my negative "logic". Yeah, because having absolutely nothing to be proud of is common logic in my mind by now.
So... I guess, after all, what I can't win against on my own is my own negativity. It could just be so overwhelming now that it's warping my personality, and maybe that's the root of my identity crisis. I'm not sure.
But, embarrassing as it is, typing it out really is helping. So thank you for listening, and thank you for all of your advice. My mind is all over, too, so likewise, I'm sorry if I stopped making sense along the way. Once again, I've known these weaknesses to be inside me, but actually putting them in words is quite difficult. And embarrassing, but certainly difficult.
I love you, too, more than I could ever adequately express. And thank you again for continuing to help me. Talking with you really does give me hope that maybe it's not too late, something which I can't ever believe on my own.
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2012-09-12 06:48 am (UTC)That's why, as you've said and I've certainly noticed, I go around in circles. When I feel completely overwhelmed by these problems, I feel like I've been backed into a corner. It's scary and makes me feel more anxious and so my only real goal is to get back to the center of the room, when really... I need to be leaving it. But that opens up infinite possibilities into the unknown, so I can't help but stay where I at least know what's going on. I don't like my present situation, but what if I actually do find a way to make it worse? It sounds pretty ridiculous typing it out like that, but I'm pretty sure those sorts of subconscious fears have been rooted within me.
And I am... ridiculously hard on myself. There's not really any other way to say it, and I've known that to be true. It's because I can think of having to do an exercise like "write five positive things about yourself!" and struggling to find a single thing that I'm able to recognize that well, that probably means I have ridiculously low self-esteem. Since I was really little, I've set impossible, inhuman standards for myself and my behavior. I guess things like that were a little easier to follow as a kid than where I'm at now. Setting more realistic goals might sound like an easy fix, at least, to get things started, but I really find it impossible to expect any less of myself. Being so far now from that ideal, however... Well, I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope with it.
It'd be nice to accept small victories like that. It's not that I'm against the concept, but it's kind of hard for me to even accept the little things as "victories". Sure, I make it through each day. It's really hard, and I guess in theory that counts as a victory. But I don't feel like I deserve to do so. Feeling like a waste of space, it actually sounds insulting that I've wasted another day of precious life. Or a life that's meant to be precious, anyway. I feel really strongly about life and continuing to live it no matter what happens, even though sometimes I do wish I could just be done with it. I feel like if it was anyone else in my shoes, I could cheer them on and honestly believe in their potential, but I don't know why I can't see or accept it for myself. Maybe it's because I've put all of my energy into trying to be a "good" person, but that alone isn't enough to get anyone through life. And furthermore, I've become so burnt out that I can hardly qualify for that anymore. I know, it's not really something that's black and white, or something that can really be defined/assigned like that, but that's all I've ever wanted to be.
That does sound like quite a harsh treatment, the "liar" part, that is. I completely understand where it's coming from, but I can't imagine having to do that. It'd be like hurting someone else when I'm the one who has the problem... So I say, but my inability to accept kind words is doing the exact thing, whether I'm saying it outright or not. I've known that, too. It's horrible, but I guess I am calling everyone liars. It's not that I believe it's intentional, though. I've always felt that I must have misrepresented myself to them. See, I've always wanted to be a good person, so all I can do is act as a good person should. But is that because I genuinely want to be good or do I just want to be seen as good? That's... been a concern of mine, too. What if I'm actually just a manipulative person who's been acting for so long, and now I just can't do it anymore?
It's certainly an awful part of my personality. I can twist any scenario negatively to justify my worthlessness. I really wonder why I'm so overwhelmingly negative. But you see, the problem isn't so much that I can do it. The problem is that it makes so much sense; it becomes hard to see things in perspective. I'm only one person, and I'm biased against myself. Even asking my friends, I feel that they're biased towards me. I've always thought that no one was hard enough on me, so I did it to myself. It made me really happy to receive compliments, but I didn't want to get carried away with them, so I kept reality checks on myself as a reminder that I didn't really have anything to be complimented on. In a way, I must have always negated every positive I've received with negatives. And maybe over time, positives just lost their effect since I would rule it out with my negative "logic". Yeah, because having absolutely nothing to be proud of is common logic in my mind by now.
So... I guess, after all, what I can't win against on my own is my own negativity. It could just be so overwhelming now that it's warping my personality, and maybe that's the root of my identity crisis. I'm not sure.
But, embarrassing as it is, typing it out really is helping. So thank you for listening, and thank you for all of your advice. My mind is all over, too, so likewise, I'm sorry if I stopped making sense along the way. Once again, I've known these weaknesses to be inside me, but actually putting them in words is quite difficult. And embarrassing, but certainly difficult.
I love you, too, more than I could ever adequately express. And thank you again for continuing to help me. Talking with you really does give me hope that maybe it's not too late, something which I can't ever believe on my own.