(no subject)

[shirato]

Wow this is, uh, kind of nostalgic. Sitting down and typing up a journal entry about goings-on or my thoughts in general used to be a pretty common thing for me to do, but it's been so long since I've been in that habit and I've only become more and more self-conscious of myself and what I'm conveying that basically this is just pretty embarrassing all around. Which, actually, is awful because I've always felt really embarrassed of myself in general, and expressing myself has always been a difficult thing for me because it is, well, embarrassing. But it used to be so easy to do in journal format; it used to be a pretty sure thing that I could let things out and feel like some weight's been lifted, I guess. Now I get so anxious that the thought of putting words down for the express purpose of having them read is enough to keep my fingers from moving. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've suffered with anxiety issues for quite a long time, and it used to be that I might not have been able to see it immediately, but that I was making progress towards functioning despite it. I don't really consider myself as someone who functions anymore; I focus only on what's currently happening around me, on the things that can't be avoided— work and whatnot— and that seems to fill up all of my time.

I keep waiting for a day with no responsibilities to set myself back into my old pace, even just for a bit, to do the things I miss doing, to talk with the people I miss talking with, and to just generally experience anything worthwhile. But what if I can't keep up past my initial attempt? The probability of just that occurring is way too likely. Even now, I'm sitting here sighing and thinking of closing my laptop because what am I even doing; I can't really answer it. I don't really have a purpose to anything I do anymore, I guess. It's been this way for a long time and I've known it, but well, it only becomes more obvious as time goes on. Sometimes I just lie in bed at night like this and I think about how this is really not good, how I am really not okay, and how I should really make an effort to fix it. And other times those facts are just as obvious but they're just facts and they're not going to change because I'm me, and I'm so limited as to what I can do. So many things are so impossible for me. At least, that's how it feels. And unfortunately that's enough to keep my motivation and my self-esteem from being practically nonexistent, if I wanted to describe it with an ounce of optimism, anyway.

It's been such a long year. A long, difficult year. I keep meaning to detail it in full but after all this time, the memories are already starting to blur together. And like everything else, it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Nothing I've done or have gone through is of any consequence to the world, and it's in the past now anyway. I'd say that it should be fine to just move forward, but that direction is just as meaningless. I feel exhausted on a near daily basis. But I go into work pretending to be a cheerful and outgoing person because I don't know what I'd do if anyone were to believe otherwise. Sometimes it gets really hard to keep up the act. There have been a couple of particularly rough days where I nearly started crying at the register for... not really any reason other than I just feel so sad and helpless and pathetic and other such things. I live with a consistent fear that someday I'll lose it and if I slip up just once, I won't be able to endure it.

I've made a couple of friends at work. It's ridiculous but I literally cried the day one asked me to hang out with her at her house. It was the step up from just being someone I talked with at work and... well, it meant we were becoming friends like, for real, and I don't know. I was, first of all, really excited about it. I hadn't made a friend irl in a long time. I was never very good at it in the first place. As far as I've known, I just sort of came to know people. I can never recall the instances that led to legitimate friendship. But on top of being so so happy about it, I was just as scared. I get by at work by separating myself and all of my thoughts and my emptiness and basically... Maybe it sounds just as ridiculous, but I feel like a fraud. I feel like a liar. I guess at work I play the person I'd like to be, but I know in reality how insecure I am and all the problems that go with it. People like me at work and people can apparently like me enough to want to be friends with me despite the fact that I feel like a burdening existence who isn't worth anyone's time. I'm happy about that. When I can walk into work and my coworkers can smile and wave to me and look genuinely happy just to see me, or when they're the ones to strike up conversations with me which is surprisingly often, I guess it makes my act feel less like an act. But it still is. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life, and I want to enjoy it with others, but there's something heavy chaining me down to despair. One slip up is all it would take; that's kind of how I've felt my whole life. I don't give myself second chances, so I don't expect that anyone else would want to. Maybe that's the heart of the fear that takes hold of me? But I can't really say for certain or maybe I'd be able to overcome it.

There's probably several problems, though, and therefore there isn't really one source to pinpoint. That seems more likely. I think another big issue is that I'm lonely. I'm lonely, and I know how utterly obnoxious I can be when I am, and so I isolate myself, so as not to embarrass myself and certainly not to inconvenience anyone else with... well, thoughts like these, I guess. But isolation is hardly a good cure for loneliness, one should think. It's my cure for anything, now that I think about it, and that's probably saying something there. It only becomes more natural for me to hermit myself and think about how the world will keep turning without me, anyway.

I'm now sitting here thinking, what a useless bunch of words, and wondering just what it was that I was trying to accomplish by writing them seeing as I've found no new evidence towards a solution and all I've really done is repeatedly showcase how uninteresting and pathetic I really am. But I guess that was it. This was meant to be serve as both an apology and a confession. It was supposed to be a lot more coherent, but things always sound better in my head when I'm trying and failing at falling asleep. Regardless, my apologies are for being a terrible friend. I've missed everyone a lot, though I have been talking to you all in my head. I sometimes write letters in my sleep to people, but I'm too nervous and scared to transcribe and send them by morning. Really normal things, but I just thought it's been so long since I've expressed how much I care for everyone that I ought to do it. I wanted to get back in contact with people, I wanted to become closer, but I was afraid that I'd start something and disappear again. Instead of disappointing anyone, I might as well just not try in the first place. Life story right there, really. Ugh.

So this wasn't the elaboration it was supposed to be, what, three months ago? Not entirely, anyway. And it's so boring and stupid that maybe I should just stay hidden after all, but I really miss everyone and I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to do anything the easy way, I guess. I felt like I needed some sort of... disclaimer, maybe? That I'm still struggling between these personalities, and that it's really difficult for me to ignore this depression I'm under. I can't ignore it, but I've been trying to pretend that it isn't there. And that basically, this sounds the most ridiculous, but I feel like I just don't know how to act anymore /o\;; I feel more nervous and unsure about the most trivial things than I've ever felt in my life, and I don't know why but um, I guess apologies in advance for my awkwardness. I'm sorry this was so long and stupid, too, but thank you for reading this far /)_(\

I also don't know how to end an entry anymore so this is it

Comments

[shirato]

Wife, you are always so smart I can't even. You do make a lot of good points, even if it's hard to see the positives as something that could pertain to myself. It's true what you said that I'd support someone else typing my exact words, but somehow I can't overlook it so simply as that. After all, then it would be someone else dealing with the issue, and the odds of them having the strength to turn the situation into their favor would be so much more likely. The problem is that I know myself and my weaknesses and way too well. I've always been so hard on myself; I've raised myself way too strictly, actually, and I don't know how I just sort of knew to force these values onto myself but I did and it's... It's kind of like, my mom has never been the most supportive person in the world... putting it lightly, really; she never got involved with any of us and just expected us to learn everything we needed to know about the world at school which doesn't really... happen. She never had conversations with us about what we want to do and what we should do to make it happen. And we were all anxiety-ridden introverts and kind of socially inept. We all felt it differently of course, but in general, it's like. Yeah, we were all kind of like that. If we asked our mom anything about what we should do, it would always be like "call these people" or "go talk to these people about it" and we wouldn't even have the first clue of what questions we should be asking. Years later, that's kind of where I am now, finally having the strength (citation needed) to go figure it out on my own but all I feel like is a huge idiot that's asking a bunch of stupid, obvious questions. But I digress.

I got on a bit of a tangent there, but BASICALLY I was trying to say that yeah, my mom has not really been supportive and likewise I've always felt that any achievements I actually, well, achieved were never good enough for her. It's easy to make a case for low self-esteem based on that aspect alone considering that I wasted my entire life striving for approval from her, but that's not entirely true. It certainly didn't and doesn't help but way before I ever realized that my mom just wasn't going to care enough to put any effort into any of us, I set myself apart from others. I don't have many vivid memories, but I can still remember being in 1st grade, even, sitting by myself at a table while every other kid sat with friends. And for some reason, I'd sit there thinking this is how it should be, that I wasn't someone who was worthy of hanging around with them anyway. I don't know why. It's just that as far back as I can remember, it's just been a fact ingrained into my mind. And that's what I can't surmount. I don't know how to get rid of a fact so deeply engraved into my being, even if I can't figure out how it all started in the first place. I can't get rid of this knowledge that I'm just a failed human being who's never really going to amount to anything. I guess I'm taking my steps now to hopefully prove otherwise, but I haven't the slightest confidence that anything I'm doing now will bear fruition. I'm trying to fight those thoughts, but it is pretty hard.

Despite all that, I used to be really optimistic. It's been so long that I don't really know how that worked?? But hm, I guess it's just that I was really naive. I believed pretty much anything that I was told, so that included 'you can do anything if you try'. So, being that, I felt that even despite being me, if I tried hard, it would pay off. Who cares how impossible something was, if I wanted to, I was going to do it :\ Maybe it wasn't true, but life was a lot more exciting back then. I can even remember just talking walks and looking around at the world and thinking "I am just so glad to be alive." But it's been a long time since I've had a simple thought like that. So what happened?? Why does everything have to be so complicated???

And I do feel like such a whiner with these thoughts, but they're severe hurdles in my way and I can't see anything past them.

I went on a lot of unnecessary tangents there, I apologize. I wish that I lived closer to you too even though I would be scared to hang out!! 8( Thank you again for all of your help and just for reaching out to me. I know I'm terrible at responding in a timely fashion, but I appreciate it every time :'( I love you too ♥

[fomoire]

I've always been the sort who gets horribly upset when others even remotely feel the same sense of sadness I do over things. So,

I can still remember being in 1st grade, even, sitting by myself at a table while every other kid sat with friends. ... I can't get rid of this knowledge that I'm just a failed human being who's never really going to amount to anything.

is particularly upsetting to read. It pisses me off to read. Not at you or because you feel that way, but this is me? This has always been and still been me, and this time it's the idea of this is the one time I legitimately can't come up with answers? This is the crux of what my core depression is about lol.

But I'm not going to make this about me, and, like. Hm. Obviously we've discussed similar things before, but the way it's worded (and probably because I've been in a weird place lately) hit me in a funny way? And it's just awoken such a fierce anger and sadness in me right now.

There's no worthiness check for friendship. Like, you earn trust of friends, not the ability to make friends. You are literally already a worthy person. Even if I don't know the answer, I at least know that we're pretty much all born worthy of friendship, it's what we do or don't do throughout life that decreases that. And there's nothing you've done to decrease that. NOTHING. Your only flaw as far as friendship goes is you put everyone's thoughts, wishes, and feelings above yours. And while that's bad, it's not bad for the same reasons that decrease a person's worthiness. No one ever sees how great of a friend of they are. I'm pretty sure a lot of people, even if they don't ever state it, think they're a shitty friend. You've literally gone above and beyond for me and, let's be real, probably for everyone else.

This is so less coherent than my beautiful, well thought out responses. But I will literally tell you everyday why you are worthy of friends because this is the shittiest frame of mind to be stuck in and this is a huge hurdle, I think, to fighting off depression. I will also eventually stop starting sentences with "but" and using "literally". I have zero ability to be eloquent when I feel passionate about a subject.

Oh my god, I'm calmer now and less sad-angry, but I'm no less serious! You are worthy of friendship. You're not going to accept this fact after reading it. I don't have the answer on how to accept it. It's a long process, and it's hard. However, I'm willing to be the mirror that reflects your worthiness to you until you can see them in yourself.

This is scattered and horrible. I actually attempted fixing some parts. In the end it didn't feel right doing it. I'd rather my run-on sentence, badly timed paragraphs make the statement for me that was impossible to say otherwise. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry I feel that way. I'm sorry for anyone who feels that way. There are many things we're meant to struggle with through life, and while fitting in is certainly one of them, it's not supposed to be to this extent.

I'm also sorry I was probably projecting and somehow trying to give myself a pep talk? Who knows!

In short, you're nice, cool, awesome, etc, etc. I LIKE YOU. BEST HUSBAND. You believed we spelt forever as fourever. You let me tease you. Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments I'll recall I JUST TOOK A SIP OF POOP and want to laugh so badly. LIKE, THAT ONE TIME YOU EVER SAID POP. See, you are such a good friend. SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. WE'LL SHARE A HOUSE ONE DAY AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS EVERYDAY IN PERSON. THERE'LL BE A LOT OF CATS. IT'LL BE GREAT.

[fomoire]

OH, another thing is that this has nothing to do with me being smart. We both know you'd come to the same initial conclusions I came to if we were talking about anyone else! But I understand where you were coming from.