I've always been the sort who gets horribly upset when others even remotely feel the same sense of sadness I do over things. So,
I can still remember being in 1st grade, even, sitting by myself at a table while every other kid sat with friends. ... I can't get rid of this knowledge that I'm just a failed human being who's never really going to amount to anything.
is particularly upsetting to read. It pisses me off to read. Not at you or because you feel that way, but this is me? This has always been and still been me, and this time it's the idea of this is the one time I legitimately can't come up with answers? This is the crux of what my core depression is about lol.
But I'm not going to make this about me, and, like. Hm. Obviously we've discussed similar things before, but the way it's worded (and probably because I've been in a weird place lately) hit me in a funny way? And it's just awoken such a fierce anger and sadness in me right now.
There's no worthiness check for friendship. Like, you earn trust of friends, not the ability to make friends. You are literally already a worthy person. Even if I don't know the answer, I at least know that we're pretty much all born worthy of friendship, it's what we do or don't do throughout life that decreases that. And there's nothing you've done to decrease that. NOTHING. Your only flaw as far as friendship goes is you put everyone's thoughts, wishes, and feelings above yours. And while that's bad, it's not bad for the same reasons that decrease a person's worthiness. No one ever sees how great of a friend of they are. I'm pretty sure a lot of people, even if they don't ever state it, think they're a shitty friend. You've literally gone above and beyond for me and, let's be real, probably for everyone else.
This is so less coherent than my beautiful, well thought out responses. But I will literally tell you everyday why you are worthy of friends because this is the shittiest frame of mind to be stuck in and this is a huge hurdle, I think, to fighting off depression. I will also eventually stop starting sentences with "but" and using "literally". I have zero ability to be eloquent when I feel passionate about a subject.
Oh my god, I'm calmer now and less sad-angry, but I'm no less serious! You are worthy of friendship. You're not going to accept this fact after reading it. I don't have the answer on how to accept it. It's a long process, and it's hard. However, I'm willing to be the mirror that reflects your worthiness to you until you can see them in yourself.
This is scattered and horrible. I actually attempted fixing some parts. In the end it didn't feel right doing it. I'd rather my run-on sentence, badly timed paragraphs make the statement for me that was impossible to say otherwise. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry I feel that way. I'm sorry for anyone who feels that way. There are many things we're meant to struggle with through life, and while fitting in is certainly one of them, it's not supposed to be to this extent.
I'm also sorry I was probably projecting and somehow trying to give myself a pep talk? Who knows!
In short, you're nice, cool, awesome, etc, etc. I LIKE YOU. BEST HUSBAND. You believed we spelt forever as fourever. You let me tease you. Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments I'll recall I JUST TOOK A SIP OF POOP and want to laugh so badly. LIKE, THAT ONE TIME YOU EVER SAID POP. See, you are such a good friend. SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. WE'LL SHARE A HOUSE ONE DAY AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS EVERYDAY IN PERSON. THERE'LL BE A LOT OF CATS. IT'LL BE GREAT.
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2013-11-03 04:46 am (UTC)I can still remember being in 1st grade, even, sitting by myself at a table while every other kid sat with friends. ... I can't get rid of this knowledge that I'm just a failed human being who's never really going to amount to anything.
is particularly upsetting to read. It pisses me off to read. Not at you or because you feel that way, but this is me? This has always been and still been me, and this time it's the idea of this is the one time I legitimately can't come up with answers? This is the crux of what my core depression is about lol.
But I'm not going to make this about me, and, like. Hm. Obviously we've discussed similar things before, but the way it's worded (and probably because I've been in a weird place lately) hit me in a funny way? And it's just awoken such a fierce anger and sadness in me right now.
There's no worthiness check for friendship. Like, you earn trust of friends, not the ability to make friends. You are literally already a worthy person. Even if I don't know the answer, I at least know that we're pretty much all born worthy of friendship, it's what we do or don't do throughout life that decreases that. And there's nothing you've done to decrease that. NOTHING. Your only flaw as far as friendship goes is you put everyone's thoughts, wishes, and feelings above yours. And while that's bad, it's not bad for the same reasons that decrease a person's worthiness. No one ever sees how great of a friend of they are. I'm pretty sure a lot of people, even if they don't ever state it, think they're a shitty friend. You've literally gone above and beyond for me and, let's be real, probably for everyone else.
This is so less coherent than my beautiful, well thought out responses. But I will literally tell you everyday why you are worthy of friends because this is the shittiest frame of mind to be stuck in and this is a huge hurdle, I think, to fighting off depression. I will also eventually stop starting sentences with "but" and using "literally". I have zero ability to be eloquent when I feel passionate about a subject.
Oh my god, I'm calmer now and less sad-angry, but I'm no less serious! You are worthy of friendship. You're not going to accept this fact after reading it. I don't have the answer on how to accept it. It's a long process, and it's hard. However, I'm willing to be the mirror that reflects your worthiness to you until you can see them in yourself.
This is scattered and horrible. I actually attempted fixing some parts. In the end it didn't feel right doing it. I'd rather my run-on sentence, badly timed paragraphs make the statement for me that was impossible to say otherwise. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry I feel that way. I'm sorry for anyone who feels that way. There are many things we're meant to struggle with through life, and while fitting in is certainly one of them, it's not supposed to be to this extent.
I'm also sorry I was probably projecting and somehow trying to give myself a pep talk? Who knows!
In short, you're nice, cool, awesome, etc, etc. I LIKE YOU. BEST HUSBAND. You believed we spelt forever as fourever. You let me tease you. Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments I'll recall I JUST TOOK A SIP OF POOP and want to laugh so badly. LIKE, THAT ONE TIME YOU EVER SAID POP. See, you are such a good friend. SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. WE'LL SHARE A HOUSE ONE DAY AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS EVERYDAY IN PERSON. THERE'LL BE A LOT OF CATS. IT'LL BE GREAT.