shirato: (UtaPri: neutral)
[personal profile] shirato

I keep wanting to thought dump here, and so let's call this an attempt to do that. Even though if you set an actual purpose to transcribing thoughts, suddenly they're nowhere to be found, right? Or maybe that's just me. It's stunning how I can't stop thinking and over-thinking and over-analyzing and tossing and turning and just wanting to scream and then I'm like OKAY LET'S JUST GET THIS ALL OUT OF MY SYSTEM!!!!! and then nothing again.

I don't know which is worse, honestly. Whenever I can't stop thinking about everything, I wish for that blank emptiness, but when I'm feeling completely numb and unaffected, the only thought I can properly process is that this is the worst feeling in the world. I guess I put a lot of emphasis on the need to explain my right to existence for each second of each day that I do continue to exist. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that "downtime" is a necessity, but it feels so wrong to actually allow it to myself. Or worse, as it's been for the most part since starting school, I really don't have the time to afford myself that luxury. Instead, I have to sort of take by force from myself, and my work ends up suffering on account. I've been managing to get by so far, somehow, but I feel like I'm at my limit. I know, above all else, I can't afford to slip now... but my mind just completely shuts down.

And it's killing me. It's a guarantee that at least half of the week I'm not getting enough sleep. Usually, it's three hours or less. And then I have to trudge through a full day of classes, to boot. I wake up feeling absolutely sick to my stomach; today I actually threw up a little. My head often feels like it's caving in on itself, but what else can I do? Even working while going to school leaves me with... not nearly enough money at all. Taking time off from either really isn't an option. I guess on the bright side(???), I'm hoping to take summer classes at the community college which is a lot cheaper, and... well, I can't say for sure until I'm there, but generally a lot less demanding. It's sad to really call that a "break," though. And I've got so much work ahead of me until then...

Another thing I can't afford, though I can't much help it, either, is wondering why I'm doing this at all. I mean, I know the logical answer and of course it computes. But despite that I'm doing well in my classes and despite that my teachers seem to really like me, I still question my ability to succeed. It's great to just believe it'll all work out somehow, but it's not that easy to think that way anymore. Well, actually, I have to believe that at this point or else I wouldn't be able to go on. But also logically, I'm aware that that is hardly cohesive evidence.

It's been a really long time and I still haven't learned how to have any shred of self-confidence. I am consistently forced into these environments where I have to pretend that's not true, but it makes me feel even more fake. I keep thinking to myself that I just have to put on this show until I'm out of school, but that's not even true. I know it's only going to be more difficult after that. I try not to think about it too much, but again, I'm fully aware that the reality is there and waiting for me.

I'm just such an unlikable person. I guess that's from my perspective, but how exactly does one recover from that? I mean, to put it in more concrete terms, there's just so many negative aspects about myself that, while I'm aware of them, they're so ingrained into me that I... don't know what to do about it. I'm able to laugh and converse with people when I'm put on the spot to do so. Rather, the only way I can manage it is to force it so hard that I pretty much don't shut up and I'm super obnoxious. But once the anxiety sets in, or once it's up to me to reach out, I take a step back. And another, and another, and so on. I mentioned this sort of thing, vaguely, to my teacher in my self-evaluation last semester. I said that I'm a reactionary type person; it's difficult for me to think on an idea from scratch, but I'm able to expand upon it once someone else suggests a beginning. I'm like that socially, too. I know how obnoxious it is, though, that everyone has to come to me. Sometimes I push myself and I try to make the effort to reach back, but I feel like I'm being even more obnoxious and I feel like an idiot. I take more steps back. A lot of times I think if I just step far enough, I could fade out of existence entirely.

I think a lot about this thing my little sister said to me like... a month or so ago. It was a stupid comment she made while trying to throw out anything that would stick because she wasn't getting her way, so I wasn't necessarily offended at it or anything. But I guess I did find it sort of interesting that she unknowingly sort of hit the mark. She said, "You need to learn how to have emotions." At first, I was kind of like what?? Because everyone probably knows that I'm way too overly emotional, but... at the same time, there are so many times when I feel nothing. Or, maybe more accurately, that my emotions feel stunted. And of course, I get completely swept away by the extremes, high or low, and while I have a lot of emotions, it's probably true that I don't know how to have them. I don't know what to do with them. I'm certainly not in control of them, and I guess I wonder if that's natural or if I should be.

But I don't know. If there's a quote to accurately represent my all of me, it's "The only thing I know is that I know nothing." I'm very aware of so many different things. I try to look at every angle. I consider every possibility, and I stay very reserved because I don't ever want to say the wrong thing... I'm always examining and reexamining. I stay out of debates because I don't find myself qualified to judge anyone or anything. I have my opinions about things; I guess one can't help but hold them. But I don't voice them, or I try not to. I'd simply rather not run the risk of offending anyone. But what does this make me? It makes me a really boring person.

Maybe it wouldn't if I didn't take these examples to the extreme as I do, but I really do. I don't know how to hold a real conversation. I guess somewhere along the line, I got so hung up on every detail, on how absolutely each word I say could be processed. I'd read up on what traits or phrases or typing styles were considered annoying, and I stopped. Or at the very least, I toned it down considerably. I remember thinking if I just completely stopped everything it would be too obvious. I had to ease into the transition. Does anyone know how sad this is?? Why should I care this much about something so stupid as that...

But I worked really hard at it, and now I can't go back. I can go see my old posts when I felt more at liberty to be myself, AND it's embarrassing as heck! But you know what, I had a lot more fun back then. It's embarrassing just to type this up now because really... This is how much of an idiot I am. But I guess I really wanted to admit it, even if no one sees this. I've been having these sort of existential crises for... maybe 10 years now. If I look back, I know I faced a lot of similar issues. I had a lot of the same worries. But it wasn't the same level. It gets worse each time, or even as each day goes on. I just don't know what I'm living for, and I don't know how much longer I can take without knowing.
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Izzy McClings

May 2014

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