shirato: (G00: I'll always pull you back)
[personal profile] shirato
Sometimes I lay in bed and I forget what it's like to just lie down and fall asleep. I mean, it pretty much always takes me a while to actually get to sleep, but there's such a difference from waiting it out to wondering if that stage is going to hit at all. This pattern seems to continue for a few days at least, or maybe longer, before I realize it's been happening. I have to dig deep into my thoughts to try to recognize it. It's hard to focus when you're paralyzed with a fear so strong that it easily consumes you. And you only feel ridiculous because there isn't any certain cause for it.

I used to be afraid of the dark. Or rather, I'm sure that I still am, but I used to not be able to walk through my own house— or my own room, for that matter— at night without shaking and almost crying even because there was this nagging feeling that something would be there. I've only ever had a decent imagination when it came to scaring myself, I guess. But it's not so bad nowadays, finally. Well, cell phone flashlights help a lot, but generally, I'm okay with finding my way even without that. I'm comfortable in my house that nothing scary is going to pop out, and I'm comfortable in my room. I used to have an excessive fear of my closet, in particular, and I could not sleep if the closet door was open. I guess it's because my closet has been unable to close for a long time now that I was forced to get over that one. But basically, what I'm getting at is that there's even more reason now that I've gotten better with things like that for why I shouldn't be so scared at night. But I am. Not always, of course, but it kind of becomes clearer to see that the problem is, as usual, within myself.

But I guess now that I'm able to think a bit more clearly, it makes enough sense. What do I do at night that keeps me from falling asleep too quickly anyway? I can't shut off my mind. And the emptier that I feel, the easier it is to fill that void with scary things and overall, for lack of better description, dark thoughts. What keeps me so scared at night and unable to fall asleep may simply be the thought that falling asleep means waking up tomorrow and having to go through another empty day. I look back on all the things I failed to accomplish that day, whether I tried or not, and I think of all the things I'll fail to accomplish the next day. Inevitably, I start to wonder why I even bother to exist.

I kind of hoped that getting my thoughts out might help me see things in a different/better perspective, but I still can't reach an answer. I do feel a bit more calm, but I still have that tight feeling in my chest and that heartbeat that refuses to slow down. I still don't know how it's possible to feel so, so very afraid of something so basic as existing. And I just can't help but feel like people are supposed to get better with issues like this over time, and yet I feel like I do nothing but get worse. I've been scared all my life, but I know there was a time when I was able to override it, somehow. And now I can't. I just want to hide forever, but thinking about it makes me feel very lonely.

I've been feeling pretty depressed lately, although I sort of feel like I've been in one long depression that sometimes I can trick myself into thinking I'm not really in. Either way, my only defense against it seems to be to try to ignore it, but it catches up to me, anyway. I don't know what it is I need or what it is I can do to try to actually help it. I do useless things just to keep my mind off of it, but at the end of the day when it comes time to fall asleep, I guess that's when it hits me that I am completely useless. I let myself be completely useless. In that respect, I've got no right complaining about it, and I'm aware of that, at least.

I can still remember times when I could genuinely laugh and have fun, and it didn't feel empty when it ended. But I can't remember how long it's been since I've felt that. That isn't to say I haven't enjoyed the fun times I've had with friends, but it's like I have to force myself to do that, too. And that's kind of weird and a little unsettling when I think about it. I'm afraid to be myself, and it gets worse each day. But that fear has been increasing for so long that I don't even know who "myself" is anymore. I don't know what I was like before I got way too uncomfortably self-conscious, and therefore I don't know how to go back. If I can't get it back, then what am I supposed to do now? I don't really know what's expected out of me, and I know the general answer is "nothing", but... I don't know. I've been having a major identity crisis for a long time, and maybe that's the biggest part of my depression right now. I don't want to say or do anything that people won't like. And because I can't read minds, that means I just keep to myself. More and more, I just let myself fade into the background. I let myself be forgotten. Because it's easier that way, but again, it's horribly lonely. I do it to myself because I've gotten so terribly afraid of social interaction— even online, where I used to feel more comfortable, but in actuality I don't really want to be alone.

I can easily admit that I'm a very weak person, but somehow I'm afraid to show it, regardless. It doesn't really make any sense. I try to be pretty open about whatever I can, but at the same time I'm holding back so much I don't even realize it. That's why I'm a bad friend. I'm the type to keep everyone at arm's length because I don't want to hurt them, and I don't want to get hurt. Everything is superficial, and it's my fault and I realize this, but I can't change it that easily. I'm too scared. When anything goes wrong in the slightest, I completely lose it and I just start crying. No one wants to deal with that, and I have a legitimate fear of breaking down over the stupidest things. Any little thing. And worst of all, I can't really explain my exaggerated emotions. I guess this whole post has been a really long-winded way of saying I'm still pretty terrible at communication. I guess in summary, I feel like I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth. I know I do have wonderful friends who would tell me otherwise, and that does mean the world to me, but it can't shake that feeling. I legitimately can't see what anyone could see in me. I wish I could, because it is really hard getting through life with zero self-esteem. Hell, it's really hard getting through a single day.

I didn't mean for this to get so long. And I'm sure it's all the same stuff over and over again and rambled all over the place, but here's hoping I can actually get some sleep now.
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Izzy McClings

May 2014

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